Our Angel in Heaven
While I was growing up, Mother’s Day was always a happy celebration of my mom, my Ouma & my Gogo. Three truly amazing women with tenacity & so much unconditional love for my sister and I.
In 2017, I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day as Lea’s Mommy and felt so incredibly blessed to have a beautiful daughter.
As I reflected after Mother’s Day yesterday, I thought about the shift in me & my experience of Mother’s Day in 2020 and 2021. I found myself happy and sad on these days. I felt deep empathy for women who are yearning to be moms and for those women who have had miscarriages, stillbirths and babies in heaven.
On the 18 September 2019, I had a miscarriage a few weeks into my second pregnancy. It was completely unexpected and absolutely devastating. We had been trying for a few months to have another baby and give Lea the sibling she had been asking for. What followed was months of guilt, self-blame and shame.
We continued to try to conceive and both my husband and I were sent for a variety of tests. Despite one false test result, we were told there were no issues. Through the help of a very special psychologist and the support of friends & family, we have managed to focus on the present & our amazing daughter as well as look forward to the future with hope.
We are on a journey of hope, faith & trust in God and continue to pray for our earthbound blessing.
The waves of grief of our miscarriage still come and I have learnt to sit in my grief & sadness, rather than push it away. We had been looking for a way to honour our angel in heaven for some time with meaningful jewelry and when I came across Kozy Jewelry, I knew we had found a truly special way.
My heart aches for all of us who have experienced miscarriages and who often keep so quiet about them. I have gained so much strength by talking and acknowledging my experience.
My heart aches for all of us trying to conceive and are often asked when we are having our next one or if we are pregnant yet. These questions used to send me into an emotional pit but nowadays I find comfort in being congruent & being honest with those who ask about where we are in our journey. So often we assume that if a couple have had a child that it will be simple and easy for them to have another. After trying to conceive for two years, we know that this is not the case.
I have come a long way in my ability to share my journey and my reason for sharing my story now is to continue on my path of healing and to maybe even help someone else out there talk about their experience or feel comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
Sending so much love to anyone on their journey to conceive & anyone who has had a miscarriage.
Love
Michelle